Clawing your way back onto the priority list
I want to talk to you about something important and maybe a little sensitive.
Are you prioritizing yourself? Like, truly?
I know– we’re all prioritizing family. Our kids. Keeping the house clean. Our jobs. But where are you on that list? Are you dead last? Did you completely fall off of it?
I received an email recently that said something to the effect of “after taking care of the kids all day, doing the house chores, keeping the family running, and work, there’s no time left for me.” It reminded me of this meme that I first saw years ago.
I think I would change it to “healthy mom” in general rather than sanity, and there should be several more items on this list, but you get the point. What we water, grows. And if we’re constantly choosing other things that feel more important than ourselves, then our health will suffer.
Something else I know for sure:
A prioritized mom = less overwhelm.
I know that it feels overwhelming to have to figure out to take care of yourself in addition to <<looks around>> all these other people, but once you go from feeling haggard, depleted, and like hormonal roadkill you’ll actually feel less overwhelmed by parenthood.
Consider this - have you ever tried to bust out your gentle parenting skills while on day 23 of your raging PMS cycle? Good luck! If we’re feeding everybody else in the family, but skipping meals, then we’ll be fatigued and nutrient deficient. If we’re wired late at night after bedtime and work, desperate to doom scroll in peace, our stress hormones will go rogue and have a downstream effect on the rest of our hormones.
If we’re taking everyone to their wellness checks but haven’t been to the doctor in years, then things will continue to go under the radar. If we’re spending every second of our time and every ounce of our energy making sure our kids are happy and healthy, then we have nothing left to take care of us. If we’re spending all of our money on kids clothes and vacations and house stuff, but none on our own mental or physical health, well, you get the point.
I want to make something clear.
This is not your fault. This is systemic.
We have this entire family culture set up to martyr the mother. We put her needs last for the good of her family, and then we call her a superhero. Because if she was a regular human, she wouldn’t be able to sustain this level of neglect, without any village to hold up her basic needs. And if she asks for help, or <GASP> spends money or time on herself, well, cue the mom guilt.
When it comes to healthcare, it’s systemic as well. Insurance is supposed to pay for all of our healthcare needs, so it can feel silly to pay out-of-pocket to see outside practitioners or get specialty lab tests. Not to mention spending time on therapy, exercise, nutrition consults, supplements, changing our routines. But here’s the thing. Healthcare in the US and many other countries is a “diagnose and treat” model. Which is SO important for catching and treating medically related issues, and screening for big things like cancer and cardiovascular disease. Medical advances for certain conditions have been absolutely amazing, and lifesaving. Please continue to go for your yearly checkups and whatever else is necessary for your personal health. And, please, for the love of everything, don't treat that angry UTI at home.
But if we think that our primary care physicians or OBGYNs will be knowledgeable about how our symptoms connect to nutrition, food, hormones, and the use of supplements, then we’re barking up the wrong tree. Most medical schools have exactly zero hours of nutrition coursework. It’s not their expertise. And so this is where a huge disconnect lies when it comes to our health: We're looking for medical treatments from our medical doctors for things that are mostly un-medical.
Back to you, and how to start working on prioritizing yourself.
This is a short list of things that are ok. Really. Some are more budget-friendly than others.
It’s okay to sit in silence and have dinner by yourself. It’s okay to choose a nap over the dishes.
It’s okay to ask for help, and it’s definitely okay to accept it. It’s okay to hire a babysitter, even if you’re a SAHM.
It’s okay to hire a house cleaner to come however often you can afford.
It’s okay to let your partner take on the kids for the night while you go meet a friend.
It’s okay to pay out of pocket or use that HSA for a therapist or a dietitian.
It’s ok to buy a new damn bra, because it’s also about damn time.
And hey, I know that not everyone can make all or even most of these things happen all at once. But my goal is for you to give yourself just one of them. You deserve them all, truly, but one is a good start. This also isn’t just about money, but time, which is your most valuable resource. Spending time on yourself is critical, and I don’t see enough of us doing it. This message is for you if you are able to find money and time for everyone else but suddenly when it comes to you and your health and happiness, the well is dry.
So pick one thing (or choose your own) and re-write your name on your own priority list.
